For some reason I thought it would be a good idea to start my blog with one of my most awful stories. Perhaps this is to make my future entries look less weird.
Let me start by saying I was only aware of one definition for the word "gym". My working definition was "a place where people go to work out". I am aware that the definition is broad but it had worked for all intents and purposes up until this day. I'm getting ahead of myself though, we should backtrack to before any of this confusion happened.
I had just finished work. Since I work at a club i don't finish until 3-4am. As soon as I got out of work I received a text from one of my high school friends, Jimmy. Jimmy had always been a cool person and a normal dude and I had lost touch since high school. He decided to call me Halloween night to invite me to his birthday party where after hours drinking was to occur. I said yes, this was my first mistake.
I was then given instructions to drive my car into the middle of the ghetto at 3am. As you can see I'm on a streak of awesome decision making. So at 3am I drove to the ghetto where the following blatant red flags still did not deter me from my birthday/Halloween excursion.
My first sign that something was horribly wrong was when Jimmy said his birthday party was at a gym. "What gym is open this late, and has parties, and alcohol?" I asked myself. I then however remembered that my old gym lifetime fitness was open 24hrs and had parties frequently. I BLAME MY DOWNFALL ON THEM!!!
The second sign of horriblebadwrongness was that upon my entry of said "gym" I entered a walkway that could only be considered prison-chic. I was then, after playing 20 questions with the sketchy door guy, buzzed in. The door guy bid me a fond farewell with a "They're gonna love you in there!" This statement made no sense at the time but makes sense later in the story.
I was now inside this gym which did admittedly look like a gym aside from some gay flags. I thought to myself "Jimmy is gay now. This must be a gay friendly gym." It was in fact a VERY, VERY gay friendly gym. Jimmy found me in the lobby and escorted me through back rooms into his party room. The sights seen along this tour were lewd, gross and utterly terrifying. I couldn't help but feel like Dante in his poetic, spiraling trip through the bowels of hell.
I had arrived. Surrounded by dancing gay dudes, my now naked friend and his other naked friends. It was at this exact point I had discovered that sometimes the word "gym" doesn't mean gym. It can also mean things like "crazy gay sex house in the ghetto" Needless to say I felt mislead. Jimmy and I then had a conversation that went something like this:
Me: Where The F%ck are we? You told me this was a gym!! >:(
Jimmy: Oh, it is... but it's also where like gay guys and married curious guys come to hook up.
Me: You're having a birthday party here?
Jimmy: Well yeah, I come here a lot (RED FLAG) and me and some guys are gonna like mess around after the party
Me: I hope you weren't planning on me staying for that... :/
Jimmy: Actually yeah I kinda was but i can see that this really isn't your thing. Tell ya what just stay for the party go get some food they have good food.
I was then waved over to a buffet table. It should be mentioned that this buffet table was at the most 5ft from a paper where you could register for " HIV tests performed in under 30 minutes". I then was forced to explain to Jimmy that i was uncomfortable eating not only because the buffet happened to be in the most disgusting place I'd ever been but then finished by telling him "Dude I'm not gonna eat food that is 5ft away from an HIV sign-up sheet. I'm just not comfortable eating out of a buffet that is within 15ft of any STD screening sign-up sheets." His look told me he understood I was pissed. He led me to the door and got my money back
I don't know why I told Jimmy 15ft. I certainly wouldn't be comfortable with buffet food 15ft from the sign either. I think I have discovered however that I am exponentially more comfortable eating food as its distance from STD screening tests increase. So much so that if McDonald's started running ads today that were simply "McDonald's, we don't have STD sign-up sheets in our restaurants!" I would go buy food there immediately.
I left however after some forced conversation with Jimmy and the sketchy door guy. I haven't talked to Jimmy since and don't plan to in the future. Little did i know this was only the first leg of my horrific Halloween night.
As a side note, if anyone is looking for a gym I hear the food at flex is amazing.
Please read more part 2 will include theft, awkwardness, couches, weird people and shattered glass...