Every time I have ever eaten a grapefruit I've immediately been like this girl:
Did you see it?? The grapefruit almost killed her! She falls backwards paralyzed, nearly in shock, while her evil, grapefruit farming parents just laugh. It's twisted!
My roommate didn't even put sugar on the grapefruit. SHE WAS EATING IT WRONG! For your guys' safety i have provided a step by step guide to how to eat a grapefruit. If you must eat one.
Step 1: You cut open the grapefruit SAFELY!
Step 3: You put some (A LOT OF) sugar on top of the grapefruit.
Step 4: You eat the sugar on top of the grapefruit (avoiding the actual grapefruit).
Step 5: You discard the grapefruit.
Ugh just watching her actually eat a grapefruit made my stomach hurt. I just hate grapefruit on such a fundamental level. To help you understand why grapefruit has such a disgusting, bitter, horrible taste we can look at how it's grown. There are many misconceptions about how grapefruit is grown.
Misconception #1: Grapefruit is NOT grown in Florida. Grapefruit is grown in hell, cultivated by demons, and then distributed by elderly people in Florida, clinging to life and peddling grapefruit to stay out of hell for as long as possible. Have you ever wondered why it's so hot in Florida? It's the sun actively trying to destroy the evil of the grapefruit!!
Misconception#2: Grapefruit's unique (awful) taste does not come from soil, water, and sunlight. Grapefruit seeds are actually planted in hell, in a bed made of the ashes of all your failed hopes and dreams, along with your past cherished family pets. It is then watered using the tears of sad orphans, which are piped in directly from orphanages all over the world.
Grapefruit are just mean. If they could talk they would say horrible, awful things about your family. They just have an attitude problem. Here's a picture of what a grapefruit would be like if it were animate.
Jared
**PS writing my blogs always turn up fun questions for me. I think this was one of the best though, because before this i never had to ask myself "Okay, what color are orphan's tears?"
I just witnessed a friend eat grapefruit with no sugar. She tried to convince me it was nature sweet, but I also looked like the girl in the clip. I surmise these healthy types are into self punishment.
ReplyDeleteWhoa. O_O
ReplyDeleteSo I guess pink grapefruit is that color because it's watered with the blood of kittens? O_O;
That video clip is priceless =)
ReplyDeleteI can't stand grape fruit unless there is at least a pound of sugar on it.
ReplyDeleteI love grapefruit but it doesn't mix with meds I take. Love gin and grspefruit juice too!
ReplyDeleteHilarious! But I didn't think orphans were allowed to cry. Therefore the color of their tears would be invisible, right?
ReplyDeleteHaha, awesome. This is too funny. I am not a grapefruit fan either. So I'll agree they are the spawn of Satan. Great drawings and nice chin pubes on the little man :)
ReplyDeleteAnd you are right, anytime you have to ask "what color are the orphan tears" it is a winner. This will be one to remember for a while!
this was great and i'm not a big fan of grapefruit either i be like the kid in the clip.
ReplyDeleteSo, I gather you are NOT a fan of grapefruit? They aren't so bad, especially if mixed with vodka in a cocktail. But then again, aren't most things better when mixed with vodka?
ReplyDeleteI watched that video about 5 times and every time laughed a little bit harder. Whenever i see a grapefuit im gonna think of that, which makes a change to the normal cringe i get when i see them. They are gross.
ReplyDeleteGrape Fruit? You mean that giagantic orange shaed thingy? You can actually eat that?! HOLY HELL!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.catiesjourney.blogspot.com
How come grapefruit is the only citrus fruit to spit juice in your eye like that frilly lizard in Jurassic Park? Evil, that's why.
ReplyDeletethe empress is right...grapefruit and vodka is okay...
ReplyDeletebut awesome post dude!
Bruce
Bruce Johnson JADIP
Evil Twin
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yep, not a fan...of grapefruit. However big fan of Jareds drawings. :)
ReplyDeleteA very creative rant. Grapefruit sections and kiwi go well together. If you cut the gf in half and peel it like an orange, it's still a little messy, but cutting it into sections makes it less likely to piss in your eye, you.
ReplyDeleteWhy did Crosby's comment make me laugh so hard? I'm trying to decide if it's the "piss in your eye" or the "you" at the end there.
ReplyDeleteI might also have something to do with these funny mushrooms.
I may have ever so slightly pimped your blog out on 20 something bloggers...i hope you dont mind!
ReplyDeleteawwwwww..................You care about us! I feel so touched :D
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I love grapefruit, and that is absolutly (quote) "mother(bleep)“ stupid that people put SUGAR on grape fruit. What is wrong with you people? It's liek that stupid put-sugar-on-tea thing...YOU DON'T PUT FREAKIN' SUGAR ON TEA!
okay. *calms down* You must really hate grape fruit...