When I Grow up I Wanna Be: Power Ranger (part 1)

    

 So this month is gonna be all about things I want/wanted to be when I grow up.  The first thing I ever really wanted to be when I was little was a power ranger.  Who wouldn't want to be a power ranger?  I mean you get to take orders from an effeminate robot and a talking cloud, you get to have awesome power ranger, super hero suits (that are ethnically segregated, or am I the only one who noticed that the black ranger is black and the yellow ranger is Chinese.)  But that's okay power rangers I could never fault you for your blatant racism, cuz you're just to cool!  Especially because if your a power ranger you get your own dinosaur robot, that turns into a bigger person robot.  That has to be my favorite mode of transportation..For sure it is!

So i thought I'd take my train of thought a little deeper.  What did the power rangers want to be when they grew up. So i checked it out. As I expected my childhood idols didn't disappoint.  Their post-power ranger careers are hilarious!!

Green Ranger: So what happened to the green ranger when he grew up!  Well in the show he became the white ranger.  Which i assume means he's the ranger with WHITE POWER...right?  So you'd think he would've done the only sensible thing for a white racist to do and become a clansmen.  Well almost, he instead put his anger into a more sensible outlet.  He became an MMA fighter...and a not very successful one at that.  Which is weird cuz you'd think most opponents would immediately give up once they discovered they'd be fighting a power ranger.

Black Ranger: The black ranger was a cool one.  His weapon was a gun...which he used like a bat for some reason..maybe he couldn't afford ammunition.  He doesn't seem to be making much more money now.  The black ranger became a semi-failed actor.  He has landed a few big jobs recently like this Bank of America commercial.
                                          
Apart from this however he seems to be basically unemployed.

Yellow Ranger: The story of the is a sad and ironically racist one.  Trini, the Asian, yellow ranger (redundant?) was unfortunately killed in the most racist way an Asian woman can die, a tragic car accident.  I'd make a few more jokes here, but if the grudge has taught us anything it's that you don't f*ck with dead Asians.

Pink Ranger:  After the power rangers the pink ranger decided to pursue her acting career.  She was semi successful and was in the movie "The Pursuit of Happyness" not to long ago (the movie is spelled that way. I know it's annoying).  The pink power ranger was a wonder. She was the only power ranger who randomly got a skirt, and she had the incredible power bow.  A bow and arrow type weapon that she, like the black ranger, used as a bat for some reason.  Unfortunately for those unaware she made a horrible career choice and moved to Canada.  For those who don't know where Canada is, don't worry it's not important. It's a magical land where moose are plentiful and people drink maple syrup and attempt suicide on waterfalls for funsies.  It does have one major role in the currently, which is to be America's hat. Look at it up there, don't we look dapper wearing it?

Blue Ranger: The blue ranger was apparently gay.  Other power rangers we're apparently not okay with his gayness and he claims to have been harassed for his sexuality constantly.  Such horrible intolerance from such a group of bright, rainbow colored individuals don't you think?  In any case the blue ranger quit the show and joined another team.  He became a part of an organization called "Pray The Gay Away"... However it turns out that even with the added power of being a power ranger you can NOT pray away the gay.  So after a few mental breakdowns, and moving to Mexico (America's Beard) he became a pro gay rights spokesman.  I believe he still does this today.

Red Ranger:  So this is the one you've been waiting for i know.  The red ranger had a very successful recurring role as a power ranger and even recently came back.  Since working with the power rangers this  actor has been working hard.  Lack of being a power ranger certainly has not stopped his acting career. Here's a picture from one of his latest movies, in fact:
                                        
That's right he's now a pornographic thespian...of the male on male persuasion...Isn't that the fanciest way to say gay porn star ever. 

I really don't have an ending statement planned for this blog..so how about this:  Well now that you know what I wanna be, and we all know what the power rangers wanna be tell me bloggers, what do you wanna be when you grow up??

Jared


**Note** just in case you were curious the pictures and videos are not mine they're from google and youtube respectively