AMERICAN IDOL

     Well it is with huge embarrassment that I finally write down my horrific experiences at American Idol Auditions in Pittsburgh. It began in my boring suburb of Columbus, Ohio where my boyfriend/ best friend Shane picked me up for our trip to American Idol. (For More on my strange relationship with Shane read my Dolphin Rape Story). Anyway I have limited faith in Shane's ability to plan trips, and for good reason, he once took me on a three day camping trip and packed everything.  Well everything except a tent.  So we were already on edge with each other over the stress of another beautiful outing.

     The trip down was a nearly intolerable mess.  To begin with Shane and I despite our long relationship have never had to rely heavily on each other while driving.  However in this case I had the GPS and he was driving so communication was essential.  This was our biggest downfall of the trip.  Shane and I just have a different mindset when it comes to direction.  This was complicated even further by the fact that my GPS is pretty much retarded. It loves to say things like "When possible make illegal U-turn", "Right turn in 1.8 mi" (In places where a right turn is impossible or possibly deadly). This paired with my GPS's spontaneous desire to tour the most inbred and impoverished regions of Appalachian West Virginia  along the way made the trip to Pittsburgh like a more frustrating and only slightly less scary version of The Hills Have Eyes. This was epitomized by our being forced to stop at a gas station in a corn field, run by a man wearing nothing but overalls, whom by the way had been sharpening his farm equipment before being bothered to help us.  I thought Shane was going to die when he went in to pay.  He had to go in as there was no way to pay for gas at the pump, and also no way to pay via card.  Also there was a hitching post.  I don't think that's relevant to the actual story but it's important to me, cuz like seriously, who has a hitching post?

     Any way the Shenanigans of the trip left Shane and I tired and led to an argument over Shane's need to incessantly question the GPS's directions. The argument went as follows:
Jared: Ok turn right in 3miles on Dunburry

Shane: Do I turn here?

Jared:  no

Shane: Here?

Jared: NO

Shane: Here?

Jared: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shane: Well how am I supposed to know?

Jared: Because I told you where to turn and I have a magical computer map which is w2atching us FROM SPACE and says we don't turn yet. SO HOW 'BOUT YOU JUST F*CKIN' DO WHAT I TELL YOU!!!! >:( 

    That argument was not one of my finer moments, but you can see how this adult equivalent to the "Are we there yet" phrase could get on any one's nerves and since Shane and I were both sleep deprived the argument just continued.
     Eventually however we did arrive in Pittsburgh at our hotel.  The Hotel by the way, was still being built while we were living in it. This is a lesson that if your boyfriend is Jewish, you should book all expensive things.  Please PLEASE learn from my mistake. Aside from the plywod walls and active construction of the back half of the hotel it was a fairly nice place and especially for only like $60 a night. So we relaxed unwound, hit the pool, and got some food.  In fact I thought it would be nice to have a nice meal so we went to Olive Garden.  In the three years Shane and I have been together I never really took him to a nice restaurant. I now realize there was good reason for that.  He somehow managed to get food....everywhere....

     Then Shane realized he hadn't brought his ID (THIS IS NECESSARY TO AUDITION FOR AMERICAN IDOL).  Let the record show that I had also forgotten mine, but quickly found a replacement. Shane's situation however, required us to drive all the way back to Columbus, in the middle of the night, only hours before registration.
     However we did with no sleep make it back in time to register. American Idol Registration is not unlike a prison camp.  You can't move, are crowded into small spaces, black people are singing inspirational music, there are no working toilets, you have to sleep on the concrete, and you are forced to do things for the sick pleasure of your captors.  Imagine waiting in a really, really long line for a roller coaster or a concert, but at the end is just a table where you register to go wait in another line.  That's pretty much the experience in a nut shell.  Well it would be if I in my sleep deprived and idiotic state didn't insist on harassing the producer's until I ended up on camera.  I was interviewed at about 6am having had no sleep all night, looking like shit and being hopelessly angry and incoherent. I made fun of Shane, the waiting process, and didn't really have anything nice to say about anyone.  Which is kind of how I normally am, but at least usually I'm funny.  Here I just sounded like an asshole.

     The actual audition process isn't much better.  We had to wait another sleepless morning, to be herded like sheep into an arena then trotted out in front of an arena full of people to prove our worth. The best I can really say about it is that it's like a more musical version of the Trail of Tears. This should be abundantly obvious because as I read over this to edit, it reads like a passage from Anne Frank's Diary.  The difference of course is that Mel Gibson will acknowledge that this happened.  Any way I almost forgot all of there promotions you had to be a part of.  You See Katy Perry's Firework is the official song of Pittsburgh.  I have no idea how your city gets an official song or even how it is chosen, but I do know that I was forced to sing Firework a devastatingly unfair amount of times.  Complete with hand motions.  It was like the most awful aerobics class ever, with an angry Hollywood producer instead of an instructor.

     After all of that neither Shane nor I made it past the first round.  It really is a difficult contest.  The producer we sang for said we were both talented and encouraged us heavily to try out in another state.  THERE WAS NO WAY IN HELL WE WERE GOING TO ANOTHER STATE AFTER THIS.  So we packed up, accepted defeat and left.  Our sleep deprivation and recent loss led to more arguing on the way home, but the good thing about home is that there's no place like it.  After we had had a chance to relax in our own environment the stupid arguments and the silly contest seemed like ancient history I realized I may not be an American Idol but I'm better at being an Idle American anyway.  Nevertheless I am trying out again next year and hopefully I'll do better, and I will definitely do a better job of recording the trip.

Here are the only people who have ever looked more stupid on camera than me

As Always videos are not mine