Problem Solving Strategies Part 2 : Violence

     Let's be honest, sometimes violence is the answer. SO it's about damn time we recognized its ability. Here's how it works as illustrated by my daily battle with the tv:

PS...If you are wondering why i have a crappy tv, a baby blue couch, and walls that are such an ugly pink Barbie wouldn't wear it. It's because i live in a rented house w/ four housemates and limited money!

     Violence is also a good way to help people. Look at Batman Spider-man or even your friendly neighborhood Border Patrol Officers. Violence is a cool way to enforce the law and/or force your opinions onto other people.

     Looking to spice up your love life? Use violence! In the bedroom hard spanking and strangulation turn some people on...not normal people but I'm assuming you guys aren't dating normal people...I mean what normal people would ever...y'know what nevermind I'm getting off topic.  Outside of the bedroom violence is a great way to enforce "Man's Law". Using violence can help you go from "Make me a sandwich please" to "MAKE ME A SANDWICH NOW"..."Do you know what the five fingers said to the face?" "SMACK!"

**Note** it is important to recognize the difference between discipline and abuse. Remember:
Smack with palm= Discipline :-D

Smack with backhand= Abuse >:(

     Try hitting your friends, relatives, neighbors, and enemies to resolve tense arguments. Remember Actions speak louder than words. And Violent action says I'm a man who gets things DONE!

   Is violence not solving all of your problems? Try adding foreign objects to the mix.  Having Knives and guns makes you cool!  Just like those cool Gangsters on Tv!!! You know the ones who steal stuff and do drugs cuz it's cool. Not that I would ever condone the COOL crimes committed by those COOL people on TV. Who do those things because it makes them COOL.

SO enjoy violence!! Your new problem solving tool!
**Results may vary**

***NOTE**

My opinions should often be disregarded

Rogue Panda Attacks: Why we as a nation are not prepared for them.

      I know I was supposed to write another installment of my problem solving series...I just don't feel like it right now.  Instead please enjoy this observational humor regarding the evil panda bears present to us as a people.

      So the other day I was at the zoo and I saw this adorable little girl playing with stuffed animals and discussing with her mother why she loved each and every particular creature.  Eventually this little, naive girl settled on a stuffed panda bear and exclaimed to her loving mother " I love pandas mommy! They're sweet and cuddly".  Thankfully her mom was a rational person and set her daughter straight saying " Honey, pandas may look cute and cuddly, but remember there bears. BEARS WILL EAT LITTLE GIRLS LIKE YOU!".  That statement won the award for most F*cked up thing I have ever heard a mother tell her child.

     However it got me thinking, I am totally unprepared for a rogue panda attack. I think many of you are as well. It's not your fault really, to be afraid of panda bears is counter intuitive.  As people we see pandas and we're like:
                                                 "Awwwww" 

When we should really see pandas and be like:                                                                                 "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

Cuz they're motherf*cking bears! They'll eat your ass up!

    The really terrifying part is after you get attacked by a panda. Do you know what happens after your attacked by a panda? You go from the attack site to the hospital (assuming an ambulance ever shows up since attacked by a panda is hard to believe).  Then you go to the hospital (where the doctors laugh after reading your chart). Then you heal, go home and are interviewed by the local news network.  Well NOT ME!  I promise you if I am ever attacked by a panda I will not go to the doctor because I can't go on the news. I don't want to be that news story. The one where the newscaster looks up at the camera and say "IN TONIGHT'S TOP STORY A LOCAL PUSSY WAS MAULED NEARLY TO DEATH BY AN ADORABLE GAY BEAR!" "the bear is currently being held for questioning but so far is remaining silent and has only been asked: "why are you so cuuute?<3" "Who's the cutest?<3" "you are<3..yesuare..yesuare<3 <3"

**This has been a public service announcement paid for in DOODLE DOLLARS by the committee to stop the evils of adorable animals.

**NOTE** Images in this post are not mine, they are from google images

Jared

Problem solving strategy part 1: NUDITY

     I decided that since the name of my blog is WHAT WOULD JARED DO I should probably occasionally give advice to people. Or rather my solutions to problems.  To begin I thought I would simply begin a series about problem solving tactics that work/worked for me.  The first such solution is nudity. I have only used this strategy once but it worked flawlessly.

     I stumbled upon using nudity as a problem solving strategy when i was a small child.  Growing up i had always hated going to the local barber. He cut hair in the same matter other people used to cut down trees. He didn't so much cut hair as violently attack your scalp by digging a razor into it.  I was not a fan of this painful hair-cutting method. 

    My mother had told me we were going to get my hair cut and that we were going to the barber shop i liked.  However, upon arrival my mom noticed that the shop was closed and so continued to drive to the evil painful barber of evil.  I immediately stated my displeasure but was still forced into the barber shop. 

   I sat, nervously, awaiting my time in the dreaded chair.   There were 2 maybe 3 people in front of me so i had time to think my way out of this.  I tried as much as I could to convince my mom to not force me to get a hair cut at this barbershop.  My pleading fell on deaf ears.  Now there was only one person between me and the chair. I began to worry.  It was then that I noticed the man in the chair was having his eyebrows trimmed.  The sight of this sent my worry into full blown panic.  What if the evil barber tried to shave my eyebrows off after attacking me with the razor.  I HAD TO FIND A WAY OUT.  It was then it hit me.   In order to escape I would have to do something drastic, something so vile it would cause my mom to flee in shame.  I jumped to action.  Doing the worst thing i could imagine in my small six year old mind.  I sprang out of the chair while my mom was turned around and hurriedly took off all my clothes.  My mom now turned around to join the entire room in staring at me.  Her look however wasn't the uncomfortable, yet fighting laughter look that the other patrons had. She had a look of sheer terror.  She jumped up. Picked up me and my clothes and ran out of the barbershop swearing at me.  WE NEVER WENT TO THAT BARBERSHOP AGAIN!

     I had won.  My twisted little exhibitionist mind had completely destroyed any chance of ever having to go to that barbershop again. I successfully made an entire room of 40-ish year old men watch me, in an uncomfortable fashion, run around naked. I sat in proud silence, in the back of the car. My mom speechless just stared out into space and drove me home.

     The lesson here is that nudity is a good problem solving strategy but a dangerous one. It should only be used as a trump card in times of desperation. However when backed in to a corner nudity can be a powerful tool.  I suggest using it the next time you are in an argument.

Mean Person: "YOUR MOM!!"

You: "....."

Mean Person: "Why are you naked....I'm leaving, you're weird!"

You: "VICTORY"

    It should be stated however that the power of nudity, much like the power of spider-man, requires great responsibility.  Do not get nude to solve any problems before thinking of the consequences. Here are a few examples of problems where taking your clothes off is probably not the best course of action:
*BEING PULLED OVER
*WANTING A RAISE
*KIDS WON'T GO TO SLEEP
*GIRL KEEPS REJECTING YOU
*YOU FORGOT YOUR WALLET AND NOW HAVE NOTHING TO PAY THE WAITER.

     So use nudity, the ultimate problem solver, safely and when in doubt keep your clothes on.


      JARED

If I we're a peacock...

     The other day i awoke from a sound sleep and had a sudden epiphany upon waking up.  If I were a peacock I would be gay. I don't know what strange twisted level of my psychosis riddled subconscious let out this deep life altering thought.  However, I do know it's true. This revalation did come as somewhat of a shock, but has now given me much comfort since I now have a game plan in case I'm ever reincarnated as a peacock

     Why you ask, am I so certain of my peacock sexuality?  It's simple, girl peacocks are ugly. They are the ugliest birds of all time. They are brown and speckled with ugly features all over. They look like a chicken that was born with some terrible birth defect.

     Male peacocks on the other hand are freakin' sweet! They have crazy, magical rainbow tail feathers with cool eye-shaped patterns. Their bodies are covered in bright blue-green feathers and they have cool head feathers that kinda look like crowns.  They're just f-ckin cool looking, beautiful birds.

    In Summary Male peacocks= supersexyawesomerainbowness  Girl Peacocks=ugly mutant chicken.  Due to this obvious oversight by whomever created the peacock.  I would have to be a gay peacock in order to date something remotely attractive.

**NOTE**
I was just informed that female peacocks are called peahens.  This in no way changes my opinion of there ugliness.

Peahen= Girl Peacock= Ugly mutant chicken

Jared= Awesome.. So you should follow me (by which i mean follow my blog. Don't actually follow me that would be weird)


Jared