Shane: Dolphin Rape

     So I may add pictures to this later if I can figure out a way to put them in to this story in a non graphic or disgusting way.

     So this is a story about my friend Shane, and his totally rational fears.  So first a little history.  Shane is my best friend, and according to friends and observers my "Best Friend". : /  I'll save this topic for another blog.  In the mean time I will say that both Shane and I have currently, and have in the past have had girlfriends.  That said I won't deny there is an element of "bromance" to our friendship.

     Anyway Shane has some ...totally rational phobias, for example:  Shane believes if you kiss someone it will automatically lead to you having sex with that person.  Another example you say?  Very Well!   Shane also is afraid of nail polish under the premise that someday a girl wearing nail polish will be preparing food for him.  While preparing said food, he fears a piece of nail polish will break off into his food, which he will ingest and then die.  He's actually almost over this TOTALLY RATIONAL fear.

     The problem with Shane's fear is that sometimes it interferes with my life.  His fears of drinking or smoking are examples of this.  One example trumps all others however.   Recently Shane informed me he wanted to take us on a vacation to Florida this Fall to hang on the beach, hit the theme parks, etc.  He then asked me what I would like to do while we were there. 

     I only had one thing I really wanted to do.  I said: "Can we go swimming with dolphins?  I've always wanted to swim with dolphins" My request was me with an immediate "NO!!"  When I asked Shane for an explanation he told me that Dolphins are dangerous because they often try to have sex with people.  Now I know what you guys are thinking "Jared, Dolphins don't rape people. Steelers rape people!"...I know, I know but nevertheless Shane honestly believes if we go swimming with Dolphins he'll be bent over prison style and raped. 

     Now I tried to explain to Shane that this was a totally irrational fear, but  he insists it's a valid concern, which it may be (in crazy town).  Some of you may be thinking " Jared aren't you concerned for the well being of Shane? What if your pseudo-boyfriend really is raped by a dolphin!!"  Well I don't think it will happen! I mean frankly I think it's kind of arrogant of Shane to assume a dolphin will want to rape him.  The there is the whole interspecies mating thing, where I don't know if it would work + how many, gay, rapist dolphins are there? I doubt enough to where the chances of us meeting one will be an issue.

Here's a woman getting "raped" by a dolphin

Here's a man having totally consensual sex with a dolphin...There's a big difference!

     As a side note I thought this would be an appropriate time to explain to everyone the 3 rules of rape. Just so we're all on the same page:

#1  It's NOT rape if you shout surprise first.

#2 It's NOT a surprise if you shout rape first.

#3 You can't rape the willing.

PublicServiceAnnouncement: HIDE YO KIDS, HIDE YO WIVES, AND HIDE YO HUSBANDS TOO, CUZ DOLPHINS ARE RAPIN' ERRBODY OUT HERE!

Jared

**Note videos are not mine they are from youtube**

Elizabeth: It's not over until the fat lady runs away crying

     When I was younger I used to sometimes go to the mall with my little cousins.  I have a lot of little cousins, and for a large part of my childhood we would all be at my grandmother's house together (yes my crazy grandma).  I would offer to take what ever little cousin i was with around the mall.  I did this partly because I love my little cousins but also because cute, outspoken little kids are a really good gateway to talk to cute, outspoken girls at the mall. 

More often than not, I would take around my 6 y/o little cousin Elizabeth.  She was at my grandma's the most.   Elizabeth was a cute, sweet little girl with a bit of a discipline problem.  This was because my grandma developed a clear favoritism of Elizabeth and so she was never punished for bad behavior when we were with my grandma.   Elizabeth had a tendency to be overly opinionated, very outspoken, and was very, very good at communicating her needs. 

Since yelling at her for being a brat would just get me in trouble with my grandma, it was easier to just go to the cookie store and get her a f*cking cookie.

Elizabeth's outspokenness and lack of regard for peoples feeling, partially out childhood innocence and partially from lack of discipline, often led to trouble if we were out in public for any extended period of time.

So I shouldn't have been nearly as surprised as I was when Elizabeth commented on the weight of the woman in front of us in line.

Now obviously if I yelled at her I would get in trouble from my grandma.  So instead I tried to rationalize with her. Rationalizing with a 6 year old is harder than you might think.  Explaining that something is rude or mean isn't so hard. However, explaining gland disorders and various other medical reasons for obesity is rather difficult.  It was a mistake to even try, and of course it ended horribly.

Elizabeth's retort sent the fat lady running away, crying her clogged heart out.  It was the only time in history a sad, fat woman has been seen running away from cookies.  After which I lost my cool and yelled at Elizabeth.  She then also began crying.  My yelling continued, and eventually I swore at my 6 year old little cousin.  I shouldn't have done that.  On the plus side of things when the woman ran away that was probably the only exercise she got that day, so Elizabeth kinda helped her out.

So I bought my bratty little cousin a cookie.  Mainly because I felt so bad for cussing out a little kid.  I was so embarrassed by the whole ordeal that we immediately left the mall after that. 

     You guys will be happy to know that Elizabeth grew up  to become an awesome young woman.  She now spends most of her time hanging with friends and helping her mom  by babysitting her 3 younger siblings.  She's a great kid, and talented to she has a stop motion movie youtube channel. Check her channel out sometime if you want.  Her youtube name is LizzKitty5000.



Guest Blog on Dribble: My car has Winter hobbies

     So for those of you who have not yet been to Dribble (go there NOW) this is my guest post from last week.
     Ohio has been called one of the most beautiful states to experience the seasons in...that is a blatant lie..Ohio is the most weather unfriendly state in the USA. when its hot its boiling, when its cold it's freezing and all the rest of the time it's raining or snowing. Now I hate the snow, however my car loves it!

                             
     This is my car. Car is a 1999 Ford Mustang. I am Jared, a 21 year old comedian, and this is the story of what we go through every winter.


                              
     Now Jared and Car are normally best friends, and do everything together.   In fact they're best friends all throughout the Spring, the Summer , and the Fall.


                            
     ...but, in the Winter, as soon as the first snow hits, car develops severe ADHD and stops listening to Jared.


                             
      Even games they used to love like Pedestrian Hunter become a source of argument, as car's spastic attitude causes him to refuse to listen and take the game too far.


                            
     Car develops a wanderlust and decides to go on many spontaneous "adventures" without telling Jared. These adventures all end badly and are extremely poorly thought out.


                            
     Car also likes to play tag with other vehicles. He always wins because he doesn't tell the other cars they're playing until after he has already hit them. He doesn't discriminate either he'll try to hit cars four or five times his size, as well as try to hit bikers and rollerbladers.


                             
      Car's favorite Winter hobby though, would have to be ice skating. Car is much better at it than Jared is, but both of them have problems stopping once they get going.   This becomes a problem as car often decides to go ice skating despite, traffic lights, policemen, or other cars.


                           
     Eventually Mr. Sun comes back and melts the snow. As the warm weather returns, Car's ADHD disappears. Once again friendship is restored and Jared and Car are the best of friends....or at least until NEXT WINTER!

    

Hey Check my Post on Dribble!

     Hey guys! I recently did a little shameless selfpromotion over on Mynx's blog (It's a comic about me and my car..It's good. U'll laugh.. i know you guys).  The blog is called Dribble and here's the url http://just-tish.blogspot.com/ .   Anyway I'll put up the post on my site in lie a week but in the meantime check it over at Dribble http://just-tish.blogspot.com/...  Here's the url in case you missed it.. http://just-tish.blogspot.com/ .  Also if your not already following Mynx you for sure should! Her posts are hilarious and she has awesome guest bloggers, including the near legendary Simple Dude.   Besides she's Australian and those are some of the Hottest girls with the hottest accents in the world. So bein her friend probably wouldn't be a bad thing right ;)

....Awwww what the Hell..Here's the URL 1 more time just for shits and grins http://just-tish.blogspot.com/

This is Why I hate Bunnies

       So among the ever growing list of  animals i hate bunny rabbits are at the very top. Let me explain, as senior in High School we had to get 40 service hours. I got most of my hours at the Humane Society.

     Someone within the humane society informed me if that if I was looking for extra hours I should apply to the rabbit socialization. When I heard about this program I immediately signed up thinking I'd just get to play with cuddly, fluffy bunnies all day. This is how I pictured rabbit socialization in my mind.

                                    

     However the humane society rabbits weren't your run of the mill cute, cuddly bunnies. I was told that rabbits as they receive less and less attention from people they become feral, territorial, DEMONIC.  These bunnies were criminally insane, socially maladjusted satan bunnies.

                                      

     Which is why I got so excited when I heard there was a new drop off. This bunny's name was Benny.   He was everything a bunny should be, cute, cuddly and friendly.

                                              

     After Benny arrived I spent lots of time with him.  This was mostly because I enjoyed my sessions with Benny much more than the evil rabbits which would constantly try to attack me.  In fact the other rabbits attitudes, which were pathologically unfriendly to say the least,  led me to be extra trusting of Benny.

                                 

     I became to trusting though.  I began to think of Benny as a normal bunny instead of a crazy bunny in a crazy bunny asylum.  I started letting him crawl on my and one day let him sleep on my lap.  It was on that day I paid for my inattention.  I had Benny on my lap, and began a phone conversation with my friend Skipper, thinking I could trust Benny.

                                             

     This was the opportunity Benny had been looking for. I was vulnerable and not paying attention, and Benny, like the other rabbits, was out for blood. I was about to be his first victim.  I had fallen for his clever ruse , and at that moment Benny showed his true colors.  He leaned over and bit me. He bit through my jeans, and through my boxers and my zipper. That evil satan-spawn rabbit bit me right on the dick. As i sat there feeling tremendous pain and betrayal I knew I needed to get off the phone and get this rabbit off my dick.  I think my exact words to Skipper were "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaagh!..OMIGOD.. OMIGOD..I've gotta go, NOW...AAaahhh! M*ther F*cker!!..OMIGOD..My dick is Bleeding **Click**".

                                        

     I ran around frantically after that, the rabbit dangling from my junk like a deranged, growling Prince Albert. Finally that little psychopath let go. After my experience i was left scarred both mentally and physically, and I WILL NEVER TRUST A BUNNY AGAIN!!!

                                      
                                                                       EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
                                       
Jared

My Crazy Grandma : The Ceramic Giraffe Award

     So we know eachother well now right? So I figure it's about time you started to meet my family.  I thought I'd start by telling you all My grandma is crazy. You say Jared "How crazy is your Grandma?"   Well I'll tell you my grandma is the most crazy person I know. If Charles Mansen had knocked up Courtney Love and given the resulting baby girl to Dina Lohan to be raised in an funhouse full of escaped mental patients, that baby girl would grow up to be roughly 40% as crazy as my grandmother.  Now it should be said that 90% of the time my grandma has wonderful intentions, but is still crazy.

     My grandmother has recently been going to therapy though, which i fully support and am so proud of her for looking for help, buuut I don't think she really listens to her therapist. Or rather misconstrues the instruction he gives her. The following is a conversation held between myself and my grandmother upon my learning she had begun therapy.

Grandma: "Jared I need to show you something RIGHT NOW!"

Me: "Umm ok (walks in house)"

Grandma: (leading me down dark hallway) You know, I've been seeing a therapist, about a lot of my   
                my problems lately. I think we found a way to fix all of my problems.

****I'm going to pause her to ask you to visualize walking down a dark hallway with no one around but you and a crazy person who says their therapist has found a way to solve all of their problems...it's scary right?

Grandma: (arriving at door) OK GO LOOK INSIDE!!

Me: WHAT IS ALL OF THIS?

     It was a ceramic giraffe collection that had appeared seemingly overnight in the guest bathroom. It was after this discovery my grandma said  "I'm collecting these ceramic giraffes now. My therapist says it will help me with all of my problems."...she has an addictive personality so when she started this ceramic giraffe habit..naturally we feared an overdose...

    My grandma believed that her therapist had told her she had a mental condition that could only be remedied by buying ceramic giraffes. As if he took his pad out and wrote a prescription like "Take 2- hundred dollars and go fill your house up with ceramic safari animals. Apply liberally to your house as needed...Call me if they start talking to you".

     Due to this room my family now has a ceramic giraffe award which yearly is given out to the person in my family who has done the most insane thing. I will hopefully win won some day.

     My grandma also has a habit of calling random family members and telling us how we're going to die. (she thinks this is a kind thing to do..but its really just annoying) Heres a comic representation of how this plays out: