So this is a story about my friend Shane, and his totally rational fears. So first a little history. Shane is my best friend, and according to friends and observers my "Best Friend". : / I'll save this topic for another blog. In the mean time I will say that both Shane and I have currently, and have in the past have had girlfriends. That said I won't deny there is an element of "bromance" to our friendship.
Anyway Shane has some ...totally rational phobias, for example: Shane believes if you kiss someone it will automatically lead to you having sex with that person. Another example you say? Very Well! Shane also is afraid of nail polish under the premise that someday a girl wearing nail polish will be preparing food for him. While preparing said food, he fears a piece of nail polish will break off into his food, which he will ingest and then die. He's actually almost over this TOTALLY RATIONAL fear.
The problem with Shane's fear is that sometimes it interferes with my life. His fears of drinking or smoking are examples of this. One example trumps all others however. Recently Shane informed me he wanted to take us on a vacation to Florida this Fall to hang on the beach, hit the theme parks, etc. He then asked me what I would like to do while we were there.
I only had one thing I really wanted to do. I said: "Can we go swimming with dolphins? I've always wanted to swim with dolphins" My request was me with an immediate "NO!!" When I asked Shane for an explanation he told me that Dolphins are dangerous because they often try to have sex with people. Now I know what you guys are thinking "Jared, Dolphins don't rape people. Steelers rape people!"...I know, I know but nevertheless Shane honestly believes if we go swimming with Dolphins he'll be bent over prison style and raped.
Now I tried to explain to Shane that this was a totally irrational fear, but he insists it's a valid concern, which it may be (in crazy town). Some of you may be thinking " Jared aren't you concerned for the well being of Shane? What if your pseudo-boyfriend really is raped by a dolphin!!" Well I don't think it will happen! I mean frankly I think it's kind of arrogant of Shane to assume a dolphin will want to rape him. The there is the whole interspecies mating thing, where I don't know if it would work + how many, gay, rapist dolphins are there? I doubt enough to where the chances of us meeting one will be an issue.
Here's a woman getting "raped" by a dolphin
Here's a man having totally consensual sex with a dolphin...There's a big difference!
As a side note I thought this would be an appropriate time to explain to everyone the 3 rules of rape. Just so we're all on the same page:
#1 It's NOT rape if you shout surprise first.
#2 It's NOT a surprise if you shout rape first.
#3 You can't rape the willing.
PublicServiceAnnouncement: HIDE YO KIDS, HIDE YO WIVES, AND HIDE YO HUSBANDS TOO, CUZ DOLPHINS ARE RAPIN' ERRBODY OUT HERE!
**Note videos are not mine they are from youtube**